From: Jordan Bochanis <jordan_bochanis@brzoom.com>
Date: Tue, 11 Dec 2001 06:07:04 -0800
To: Tim Manners <editor@reveries.com>
Subject: therapy...
... cathartic, even.
I think the name of the column should be "Go Away!" and have a picture of me reaching out to grab my paper off a goofy welcome mat featuring those words.
A nice touch could also be that through the crack of the open door we can see a half-naked Pamela Anderson lying in bed smoking a cigarette and examining a tape measurer that astute viewers can see is unrolled to the 20-inch mark.
Also, on the floor are a series of partner products (including Pfizer's Estrostep birth control pills) that we would get co-op dollars for. My beer of choice is Beck's, so empty beer bottles strewn about would be good. How do you think my wife and children would feel about this? Right, better feature them too.
How about if we had Russell Crowe dressed as a pool man carrying the missus out a side window, and my two-year-old was playing blackjack with Tinky Winky (his favorite Teletubby). There, I've got everything covered.
I think this is my first column (see below)? Even though it's less-time sensitive than future ones may be, I feel that on slow-news days it should be okay to go back to broader themes that evolve from trends in the news.
Also, you should know that as my editor, you will not be able to cut a word from anything I write. But as my editor you should indemnify me from any legal actions, check my spelling and punctuation (I went to public school in Bridgeport), and get some good goddam coffee going in this place. I went to the place on the corner and paid $7.81 for two cups of mud and some sugary goods.
Still Downstairs,
JB
Ladies and Gentlemen, Introducing the U.S. Department of Promotions!
I might not know much about how our beloved government works. Or the first thing about waging a military campaign, having never even attempted to play the morbidly befuddling board game "Stratego."
But I know a promotion when I smell it!
And it seems that after perusing the papers recently, our tax dollars are hard at work, creating consumer promotions. And not very good ones at that. I mean really, $25 million to find Bin Laden? C'mon, I can win almost as much for just peeling the sticker off a carton of french fries. And the danger of high cholesterol doesn't even come close to the danger of a round of fire from a Kalashnikov rifle.
At a time when the U.S. Government is hiring ad executives to sell U.S. foreign policy, why didn't they turn to us pros before they unleashed this latest torrent of drone promotions? We could have created a cool, $1 Billion Grand Prize "Catch Bin Laden Sweepstakes" through tie-ins with all-American partners like Sears and General Motors.
And this latest concept of offering easy-to-get visas to non-U.S. citizens who provide information about terrorist activities--did anybody think to call Visa to see if they'd be interested in a sponsorship opportunity?
If anybody out there is helping to put this United States Department of Promotions team together, I wish you'd call me. Just make sure it's after the meeting where you guys are deciding on the "look and feel" of your logo.
Jordan Bochanis is Concept Director of Bochanis, Rogan, Zoom, a marketing services agency with offices in Connecticut and Louisiana. He may be reached via email at jordan_bochanis@brzoom.com
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